Never lost a battle
I get choked up every time I hear this song. I wrote in an earlier post talking about how, in certain seasons of my life, there have been specific songs that just speak to my soul. ‘Never Lost a Battle’ is this for me right now. It’s covered by a handful of Christian artists and I shuffle through them depending on the day or my mood.
When I listen to this song, I’m reminded that the Lord has never lost a battle. That ‘He can do all things but fail’. These words have never meant more to me. In one of the hardest battles of my life, I have hope because I believe that the Lord has my back. He can do anything but fail. He won’t fail me. He won’t fail Harvey.
Most days I’m strong, but lately, I’ve felt heavy. There is so much heaviness in this season of my life. I’m writing about trauma and hard things on almost a daily basis. I’m reliving some of my hardest days as a child, and as a mother. Most days I’m thankful for my quick 45 minute writing sessions in the morning. Most days, 45 minutes is all I can take. The content is thick and messy. I feel lucky that I can quickly transition out of writing, and shut off this part of my brain. I get to focus on our morning routines and getting my kids ready. I get to wash my face, put on deodorant, apply make-up and style my outfit. My outward appearance then showing no trace of my inward battle and the words I just wrote.
Most days I’m reminded of progress and how far we’ve come, but it’s been daunting to think about how far we have to go. I wonder when my son will talk, if he’ll talk, if therapy will work, if we can get closure…soon. My book hung on this closure. I know the ending I want for 2021. Will it happen? Most days, I believe it will.
Most days I feel joy, but lately I have sorrow. It could be the chapters that I recently edited or the chapters we’re currently living. Who knows? I think it’s mostly the unknown. I think it’s mostly the waiting. I think it’s why this song has really resonated with me lately. It does give me hope, but it also reminds me that I’m in a battle. I’m in the battle. There is nothing else more important in my life than this right now. I’m happy that the Lord has never failed. I will continue to fail in this process, but he will not. For that I am thankful, for that I am grateful, for that I am hopeful.
Many days I feel alone in this battle, but today I know that I am not.