I did something scary.

On Friday April 23rd, I submitted my manuscript to a publisher that I’ve had my eyes on since I started writing last August. Once I finished my final draft, I could barely wait. I just wanted to get it in their hands. I went to their website and filled out my submission, sailing through the questions, getting more excited as I answered each one. With the submission, you are supposed to submit a portion of your manuscript, but I simply said that I couldn’t choose and submitted the whole damn thing. Simultaneously, my manuscript was also in the hands of a trusted colleague for a second sensitivity read.

On Thursday April 29th, I had my feedback session from the sensitivity read. We covered larger topics of what was working, what was not, and overall questions. She also had a laundry list of more simpler, quick edits. We talked through possible next steps and what was available for an emerging author like myself. How quickly did I want to publish? Was my book ready? Did I want an agent? How much money was I comfortable spending? This meeting was super insightful, leaving a lot to think about and my mind circling with what was next. I left with my list of essentially 25 things to tackle. Nothing crazy overwhelming, just lengthy. I was just preparing myself for these edits to take some time. I needed to make some larger decisions and also do some re-writing. As I sat with this feedback, on this Thursday afternoon, I rationalized to give myself until Monday to process and also continue my week ‘off’ of writing. I would pickup refreshed and ready to take on the mountain of edits.

On Friday, April 30, the next morning, I woke up with an urgency to write. Why not start today? Why not just knock out a few of the edits to get the ball rolling? To my surprise, I flew through the edits and finished every single one throughout the day. Holy shit! I never imagined it to go this fast. And crap! I liked this 2.0 version of my manuscript better. I was still by no means ‘there’, as I needed an editor and a master organizer for my book’s flow. But shit - I now need the publisher to see this better version. #rookiemistake

Nervously, I reached out the publisher, letting them know that my colleague had provided a sensitivity read and had some really great feedback that I had now incorporated. I then inquired, ‘would your team like the updated version?’. The weekend passed, and I heard back on Monday, May 3rd, that they indeed would take my 2.0 version to share with the team. ‘We’ll get back to you with our thoughts.’

Now, I wait. I have checked my email no less that 565 times waiting for this reply.

I’ve drafted their response in my head…

‘Hi Michelle,

Thanks for your submission (and second submission!). After reviewing your manuscript, we’d like to proceed with a meeting to get to know you better and review our feedback….(more publisher speak here).

Sincerely,

The Editing team’

Upon reading this email, I simultaneously cry and scream. Yes! Yes! YES!!!!

I also imagine myself in this meeting. To cover my bases, I picture both in-person and virtual Zoom scenarios. I see myself talking through my intentions, areas that need work, and further explaining my marketing plan.

I see myself getting this contract.

I see myself signing on that line. A real author.

I see myself taking the best photo possible for Insta, announcing my contract to the world.

I see it all.

I’m actually letting myself go there.

It’s so scary to say these words, to express my confidence. Over the phone, I mouse-ly said ‘I think I’m going to get it’ to my mother-in-law and immediately got choked up.

It’s scary because I may not get it. I’m trying not to put too much of these negating thoughts into the universe. In being honest, I understand that I may have ended my book prematurely. They may want the full story, and we’re not there yet. I have my plans for a second book to tell this, but maybe they would disagree.

I’m scared.

I’m scared to put myself out there.

I’m scared of rejection.

But then I think about this whole process. I think about our lives for the past 2.5 years. It has all been scary. In her book ‘Untamed’ (that I just finished), one of Glennon Doyle’s main themes is that ‘I can do hard things.’

I can do hard things.

If they say no, it will be hard. It will knock me down. It will take the wind out of my hopeful lungs.

But, I can do hard things.