Closure Letter
I wish I could have verbalized this 20 years ago. It would have saved me a lot of tears, and dreams, and unfinished business. The good news: 20 years later is still not too late. Honestly, it’s never “too late” for anything.
Dear Al,
You were the love of my life and the bad boy I always wanted. You were extremely thoughtful, smart, sensitive and sweet. You were a talented drummer, and funny, and so freaking sexy! I loved your style, cruisin’ around in your truck… I loved every minute with you. You showed me how to love and I felt loved, every day. Thank you for that.
I loved your family. I also hated mine at the time, which I think made me love yours even more. Your family was so close-knit. I had never experienced or seen a family dynamic like this before. Your sister was your best friend—you even shared a room! You loved your momma so much and treated her like a queen. You respected your Dad, and gosh, he’s such a good man. Your family showed me Jesus and what true love is. I will ALWAYS be grateful for this. I still love seeing little glimpses from afar.
On my 18th birthday, we got our matching tattoos. I hate this tattoo. I’m 38 with a tramp stamp, a Chinese symbol (why was this cool?! Seriously, why?) for that matter. I actually wish it meant something silly like “taco”. I would maybe feel better about it then. Thank God for my hi-waisted mom bikini that covers it up. Some days I wonder if you got yours removed or covered up. I’ve considered both.
When you made the decision to go into the Air Force, I hated it. I never told you that. I think I thought I was just supposed to be proud of you. I didn’t know how to talk about my feelings at that age. I think I knew deep down that I wouldn’t be able to handle this. I can’t do long-distance. I’m just not strong enough.
We made it a little over a year. I got through my senior year of high school being loyal to you. I didn’t drink at parties in order to keep myself “safe”. I explored smoking weed so I could have a little fun. What the hell else was I supposed to do at a party at this age??
No surprise, we didn’t last long when I went to college. Honestly, I think it was only a couple of weeks! College was so much freedom, so much fun…and there was another hottie who took notice of me right away. I just couldn’t resist. Cheating on you was awful. Telling you was awful. I will never forget the sound of your voice over the phone, screaming at me “Did you look down at that ring on your finger as you were suck his dick?!” Yeah, those words just kind of never go away.
You didn’t want to break-up. You wanted to try to make it work. I completely cut it off. I didn’t say much and I didn’t really tell you why. I just said I want to be done.
Here’s what you didn’t know: I was dealing with an eating disorder. This was my second time around since you had left. It was bad and I didn’t have control. I was miserable. I had to leave college. I had to give up my running dream and my scholarship. Yeah, I cheated on you and you were hurt. But, I was hurting, too. Even if I told you, would you even have understood?
I am sorry, Al.
I wish I could have had a constructive conversation with you 20 years ago. Maybe we both would have been hurt less.
It took me a long time to get over you. Even years later, I still thought of you. Still today, you sometimes pop into my head and my dreams at night. Maybe it’s because we never had closure. Maybe it’s because I never wrote this letter.
But, I’m writing it now.
I’m so damn thankful for our time together. You were an awesome first and you set the bar extremely high. We’re both married now and have beautiful families. I’m happy. I hope you are, too.
Love,
Michelle