Calling my shot

I’ve always let other people have so much influence on my life— my profession, especially. Much of my work life has been driven by money and climbing the ladder. I’m also an extremely hard worker, so I throw myself fully into each role, trying to rock the sh!t out of it like no one else has. I like to put my spin on things, to creatively impress. And, in most roles, I’ve had a lot of success. In every role, though, I’ve either burnt out or my passion has fizzled away. I never understood this and each time felt a lot a bit like a failure. My husband would joke with me like “well, it’s your one year mark (sometimes two-year), it’s about time for you to quit”. Unbeknownst to him, this cut deep each time and jumped on my insecurity button like a boulder.

For years, I watched friends and family secure new jobs (or stick with great jobs) or pursue their personal passions. I love seeing people do what they love; it truly fills my soul. Watching or listening to someone in their element is absolutely amazing. I wanted this for myself, too. I wanted to do the thing that filled my soul. For a while I thought that maybe my calling was to write about other people and tell their stories.

I honestly didn’t know how to soul search or find my passion. I always talked about it and wrote about finding it, but I actually didn’t know how to explore what I wanted. I knew how to listen to other people, but I didn’t know how to listen to myself. It sounds silly, but I was waiting to meet the “right someone” or stumble upon a job opportunity “at the right time”. I was literally waiting for someone else to show me or tell me what I should be doing.

Then, in December 2019, my world was rocked and changed.

In January 2020, on a snowy run, my epiphany moment happened. I received the message and knew what I was supposed to do.

Then, at end of February 2020, my winter/beginning of spring depression hit.

Then, COVID-19, all the Zimmerman’s under one roof, v-learning, all the stress… and all the distractions. I lost my focus, I closed the door. I walked away.

Does the same door open twice? Do we get second chances? When it’s your thing, when it’s my thing… it damn sure does.

July 2020 brought my second chance. After weeks and months of stewing about my current role and knowing that I needed to make a change, I had a super honest discussion with my husband. I simply laid out the facts, the financials and where my heart was at. For the first time ever (I think), we were completely on the same page. It was time for me to quit and it was going to be ok. I had known for months that this was the right decision, but I finally had the courage to tell him and just be fully honest. Gosh, this felt SO good. It was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. The burden of the unhappiness that I was carrying—gone.

Then, on Wednesday, July 8, 2020, as I was driving my son to his occupational therapy evaluation (just days after deciding to leave my job), the first sentences of my book dropped into my head. I immediately was a giant goosebump with tears streaming down my face. “Oh my goodness, it came back”. I literally was so taken aback that I was shaking. Moments later, on the same road, the title came to me. “Wow, God. Wow.”

I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was my thing, my calling. I closed this door once, I will not close it again. I’ve opened it WIDE and I’ve leaped through. I have no clue how this is going to go, but I’m not worried about it. It’s one step at at time and figuring it out as I go.

I’m calling my shot.

(Eeeeeeeeh! It feels so damn good.)